"Why didn't they have mobile phones in the 1920s? Think how many misunderstandings in the world could have been avoided." --Sophie Kinsella

Hate to disagree with you Soph, but I think we could learn a lot by taking a hint from our ancestors and giving our thumbs a rest.

5 Reasons Why Text Messaging is Pointless, Irritating, and Utterly Reprehensible

1. The Mass Text- Back when email was the new and hip form of communication, there was nothing I dreaded more than a sickeningly sweet chain letter. Ranging from Bible verses to animated farm animals, these messages were intended to brighten your day, lift your spirits, and put a smile on your face...until you read the subtext at the bottom, which stated that if you didn't forward said message to every damn person in your Address Book, your grandma would drop dead and you would be cursed with syphilis. While The Mass Text doesn't come with the aforementioned threat at the end, it's still just as annoying, if not moreso. Every holiday I dread the flood of messages to my inbox, wishing me "Merry Christmas! xOxO!" from people I haven't talked to since middle school. Next I'm faced with the stress of choosing to respond or not, (as you will learn below, my biggest pet peeve is The Unreturned Text), and if I respond, what I should say. Surely a simple, "Thanks!" should suffice, but sometimes this opens up the floodgates of communication, followed by the obligatory, "We should catch up sometime!" text that I now feel guilted into seeing someone I really have no interest or desire to see much less converse with in person. In summation, I hate your mass text. Stop sending them to me.
2. The Booty Text- Any living, breathing member of the undergrad category has both sent and received The Booty Text. Whether drunk or sober, we are human, and sometimes our needs must be met. However, The Booty Text lacks all the romance and mystery that has fueled some of the greatest love stories of all time. What if the ending of Casablanca was not summed up in the words, "Here's lookin' at you kid," but "Hey Ilsa, gr8 2 c u, whut r u doin l8r?" Pick up the phone and call me dammit; I'll be more likely to respond to that and not a message asking me to watch a movie at 3 am. I'm not retarded.
3. The Mass Booty Text- One of the most inexcusable offenses in the world of texting is receiving a message, exchanging in flirtatious banter, then realizing the other person has no idea who they're talking to. If this sounds familiar, you have been a victim of The Mass Booty Text. I'm pretty sure the concept was invented by guys, because I like to think we females are slightly more selective in who we slut around with, but it's fairly simple--send an innocuous "What's up?" text to every girl in your phone and see who responds. From there, you can pick and choose which ones to pursue, even multitasking lest one girl falls asleep, flakes out, or God forbid, has her period. Just one more reason why anytime I receive what I suspect to be a Mass Booty Text, my textbook response is, "Just finished delousing my pubic hair, you?"
4. The Guilt Text- Everyone has those certain friends who seem to be drawn to drama like frat boys to beer. A shitty day at work, relationship woes, swine flu--you name it, they got it. And just as quickly as they are to piss and moan via paragraphs upon paragraphs of cell phone diarrhea, they expect an even faster response from you in the form of the dreaded Guilt Text. Nothing goads me more than a sympathy digger; not only do I have to pretend to feel sorry for you, but I have to sell it, because just like sympathy diggers are wise to the well practiced game of bullshit, they can smell it just as easily. Easily the fastest way to piss off a writer is to demand bullshit on command--we may dish it out, but that doesn't mean we like it, and that doesn't make it an acceptable text message practice.
And the worst of all...
5. The Unreturned Text- Day or night, rain or shine, my cell phone is always within an earshot. I could be sleeping, going to the bathroom, or performing open heart surgery--if I receive a text, I am well aware of the fact. That's why The Unreturned Text is Numero Uno on my short list of Things I Cannot Stand. I understand the various reasons for not responding to a message in a moment's notice; life exists outside of a cell phone, and most certainly out of a few lines of written text. However, after 24 hours have elapsed, a girl could start to think something has gone wrong. Maybe you've been kidnapped by terrorists and I should alert the Department of Homeland Security. Maybe you've fallen into a well and I need to fetch Lassie lest you get eaten by Samara. At any rate, not responding to a text message says several things, the most important being that I was not important enough to respond to.

So here is what I'm going to do. I am going to take my own advice and give my thumbs a rest. As for the rest of you, well...you know my number. Call it.