In honor of the upcoming holiday (Singles Awareness Day...har har har), an homage to one of the most written about signs of affection--the kiss.
The Top 5 Best Kinds of Kisses (or at the very least, my own top 5)
5. The First Kiss- No matter what the circumstance, any girl today could tell you the who, what, when, and where of her first kiss. Heart pounding, throat tightening, butterflies in the stomach; all of these feelings can be summed up in the final moments before the first time your lips touch with someone new. Maybe it's excitement, maybe it's hormones, but whatever the case, The First Kiss remains rooted in the top 5.
4. The Nose Kiss- There are probably hundreds, no, thousands of places on a girl's body to kiss that ignite a veritable fireworks display of giddiness, but for me, it's the tip of my nose. Just a simple little peck and boom, I'm a goner. There's probably no quicker way to make me smile, unless you crack a Helen Keller joke.
3. The Intimate Kiss- There's something to be said for the kinds of long, drawn out kisses that fall under the Intimate Kiss category. Boyfriend or not, these are the kinds of makeout sessions that become burned into our memories, and ususally signify the start of something new.
2. The Surprise Kiss- This is a simple combination of two things most girls love--kissing and surprises. What woman doesn't want to be kissed Gone With The Wind style by a dashing Southern gentleman? If she's saying no, it probably means yes, yes, oh yes. Unless she says it several times and attempts to push you off of her. Then you should listen lest you wind up in jail.
1. The Reunion Kiss- Boys. Rent "The Notebook." Follow these simple instructions to execute the perfect Reunion Kiss.
One- Spot girl from across a sizeable amount of distance i.e. large grassy field, airport arrival gate, etc.
Two- Run/jog 20% to her 80%, as she has shorter legs and will take longer to reach you.
Three- Bend knees slightly and open your arms. Ready your body for impact.
Four- Wrap your arms around her and lift.
Five- Commence awesomely public makeout session of joy.
You can thank me later for these tips.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
"Why didn't they have mobile phones in the 1920s? Think how many misunderstandings in the world could have been avoided." --Sophie Kinsella
Hate to disagree with you Soph, but I think we could learn a lot by taking a hint from our ancestors and giving our thumbs a rest.
5 Reasons Why Text Messaging is Pointless, Irritating, and Utterly Reprehensible
1. The Mass Text- Back when email was the new and hip form of communication, there was nothing I dreaded more than a sickeningly sweet chain letter. Ranging from Bible verses to animated farm animals, these messages were intended to brighten your day, lift your spirits, and put a smile on your face...until you read the subtext at the bottom, which stated that if you didn't forward said message to every damn person in your Address Book, your grandma would drop dead and you would be cursed with syphilis. While The Mass Text doesn't come with the aforementioned threat at the end, it's still just as annoying, if not moreso. Every holiday I dread the flood of messages to my inbox, wishing me "Merry Christmas! xOxO!" from people I haven't talked to since middle school. Next I'm faced with the stress of choosing to respond or not, (as you will learn below, my biggest pet peeve is The Unreturned Text), and if I respond, what I should say. Surely a simple, "Thanks!" should suffice, but sometimes this opens up the floodgates of communication, followed by the obligatory, "We should catch up sometime!" text that I now feel guilted into seeing someone I really have no interest or desire to see much less converse with in person. In summation, I hate your mass text. Stop sending them to me.
2. The Booty Text- Any living, breathing member of the undergrad category has both sent and received The Booty Text. Whether drunk or sober, we are human, and sometimes our needs must be met. However, The Booty Text lacks all the romance and mystery that has fueled some of the greatest love stories of all time. What if the ending of Casablanca was not summed up in the words, "Here's lookin' at you kid," but "Hey Ilsa, gr8 2 c u, whut r u doin l8r?" Pick up the phone and call me dammit; I'll be more likely to respond to that and not a message asking me to watch a movie at 3 am. I'm not retarded.
3. The Mass Booty Text- One of the most inexcusable offenses in the world of texting is receiving a message, exchanging in flirtatious banter, then realizing the other person has no idea who they're talking to. If this sounds familiar, you have been a victim of The Mass Booty Text. I'm pretty sure the concept was invented by guys, because I like to think we females are slightly more selective in who we slut around with, but it's fairly simple--send an innocuous "What's up?" text to every girl in your phone and see who responds. From there, you can pick and choose which ones to pursue, even multitasking lest one girl falls asleep, flakes out, or God forbid, has her period. Just one more reason why anytime I receive what I suspect to be a Mass Booty Text, my textbook response is, "Just finished delousing my pubic hair, you?"
4. The Guilt Text- Everyone has those certain friends who seem to be drawn to drama like frat boys to beer. A shitty day at work, relationship woes, swine flu--you name it, they got it. And just as quickly as they are to piss and moan via paragraphs upon paragraphs of cell phone diarrhea, they expect an even faster response from you in the form of the dreaded Guilt Text. Nothing goads me more than a sympathy digger; not only do I have to pretend to feel sorry for you, but I have to sell it, because just like sympathy diggers are wise to the well practiced game of bullshit, they can smell it just as easily. Easily the fastest way to piss off a writer is to demand bullshit on command--we may dish it out, but that doesn't mean we like it, and that doesn't make it an acceptable text message practice.
And the worst of all...
5. The Unreturned Text- Day or night, rain or shine, my cell phone is always within an earshot. I could be sleeping, going to the bathroom, or performing open heart surgery--if I receive a text, I am well aware of the fact. That's why The Unreturned Text is Numero Uno on my short list of Things I Cannot Stand. I understand the various reasons for not responding to a message in a moment's notice; life exists outside of a cell phone, and most certainly out of a few lines of written text. However, after 24 hours have elapsed, a girl could start to think something has gone wrong. Maybe you've been kidnapped by terrorists and I should alert the Department of Homeland Security. Maybe you've fallen into a well and I need to fetch Lassie lest you get eaten by Samara. At any rate, not responding to a text message says several things, the most important being that I was not important enough to respond to.
So here is what I'm going to do. I am going to take my own advice and give my thumbs a rest. As for the rest of you, well...you know my number. Call it.
5 Reasons Why Text Messaging is Pointless, Irritating, and Utterly Reprehensible
1. The Mass Text- Back when email was the new and hip form of communication, there was nothing I dreaded more than a sickeningly sweet chain letter. Ranging from Bible verses to animated farm animals, these messages were intended to brighten your day, lift your spirits, and put a smile on your face...until you read the subtext at the bottom, which stated that if you didn't forward said message to every damn person in your Address Book, your grandma would drop dead and you would be cursed with syphilis. While The Mass Text doesn't come with the aforementioned threat at the end, it's still just as annoying, if not moreso. Every holiday I dread the flood of messages to my inbox, wishing me "Merry Christmas! xOxO!" from people I haven't talked to since middle school. Next I'm faced with the stress of choosing to respond or not, (as you will learn below, my biggest pet peeve is The Unreturned Text), and if I respond, what I should say. Surely a simple, "Thanks!" should suffice, but sometimes this opens up the floodgates of communication, followed by the obligatory, "We should catch up sometime!" text that I now feel guilted into seeing someone I really have no interest or desire to see much less converse with in person. In summation, I hate your mass text. Stop sending them to me.
2. The Booty Text- Any living, breathing member of the undergrad category has both sent and received The Booty Text. Whether drunk or sober, we are human, and sometimes our needs must be met. However, The Booty Text lacks all the romance and mystery that has fueled some of the greatest love stories of all time. What if the ending of Casablanca was not summed up in the words, "Here's lookin' at you kid," but "Hey Ilsa, gr8 2 c u, whut r u doin l8r?" Pick up the phone and call me dammit; I'll be more likely to respond to that and not a message asking me to watch a movie at 3 am. I'm not retarded.
3. The Mass Booty Text- One of the most inexcusable offenses in the world of texting is receiving a message, exchanging in flirtatious banter, then realizing the other person has no idea who they're talking to. If this sounds familiar, you have been a victim of The Mass Booty Text. I'm pretty sure the concept was invented by guys, because I like to think we females are slightly more selective in who we slut around with, but it's fairly simple--send an innocuous "What's up?" text to every girl in your phone and see who responds. From there, you can pick and choose which ones to pursue, even multitasking lest one girl falls asleep, flakes out, or God forbid, has her period. Just one more reason why anytime I receive what I suspect to be a Mass Booty Text, my textbook response is, "Just finished delousing my pubic hair, you?"
4. The Guilt Text- Everyone has those certain friends who seem to be drawn to drama like frat boys to beer. A shitty day at work, relationship woes, swine flu--you name it, they got it. And just as quickly as they are to piss and moan via paragraphs upon paragraphs of cell phone diarrhea, they expect an even faster response from you in the form of the dreaded Guilt Text. Nothing goads me more than a sympathy digger; not only do I have to pretend to feel sorry for you, but I have to sell it, because just like sympathy diggers are wise to the well practiced game of bullshit, they can smell it just as easily. Easily the fastest way to piss off a writer is to demand bullshit on command--we may dish it out, but that doesn't mean we like it, and that doesn't make it an acceptable text message practice.
And the worst of all...
5. The Unreturned Text- Day or night, rain or shine, my cell phone is always within an earshot. I could be sleeping, going to the bathroom, or performing open heart surgery--if I receive a text, I am well aware of the fact. That's why The Unreturned Text is Numero Uno on my short list of Things I Cannot Stand. I understand the various reasons for not responding to a message in a moment's notice; life exists outside of a cell phone, and most certainly out of a few lines of written text. However, after 24 hours have elapsed, a girl could start to think something has gone wrong. Maybe you've been kidnapped by terrorists and I should alert the Department of Homeland Security. Maybe you've fallen into a well and I need to fetch Lassie lest you get eaten by Samara. At any rate, not responding to a text message says several things, the most important being that I was not important enough to respond to.
So here is what I'm going to do. I am going to take my own advice and give my thumbs a rest. As for the rest of you, well...you know my number. Call it.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
5 Signs that Preschoolers Know More About Life than We Do
As a teacher aide, I am privy to some of the most witty yet insightful comedy in the South Bay. Sure, they may be three years old, but they know what's up.
1. A standard preschool practice for children is the grand announcement that they are going to the bathroom. They march off to the toilet, do their business, and return in a flurry of pride, energy, and excitement--the result of an empty colon. One little boy was particularly pleased to inform me that he could "wipe his butt all by himself." I can't understand why more people don't brag about that skill on their Match.com profiles.
2. Lunchtime has long been considered an opportunity to enjoy food with colleagues, but in the preschool world, it is so much more. Upon learning that another little girl or boy has the same Capri Sun as you, a loud declaration is made for the rest of the lunchtable to hear--"Now we can be friends!" Heaven forbid they both have Goldfish, or apple sauce, or strawberry kiwi flavored Gogurt (which, by the way, is completely lukewarm at this point...ice packs are a thing of the past apparently). The second item sets their companionship in stone, at least until they wear the same colored leggings--then they're soulmates.
3. The socially unacceptable practice of genitalia comparison is quite popular among the three to four year old crowd. On more than one occasion, I have unintentionally stumbled upon a pair of preschoolers giving each other anatomy lessons in the bathroom. And despite our scolding, they remain eerily aware of the one vital difference between boys and girls. Not that it deters them from going potty in front of opposite sex or asking me to me to button their pants post pee-break with a sly grin on their face.
4. While "nails on a chalkboard" is a commonly used term to symbolize loud, obnoxious noises, it seems that preschoolers have perfected the art of hitting the kind of pitch akin to a dog whistle. Whether it be a Lincoln log dragged slowly across a table or a dry marker scratched rapidly on paper, these sounds result in instantaneous reactions from teachers to their delight. These outbursts are merely symbolic of the pubescent hell in years to come when these adorable rascals hit high school and a Lincoln log turns into a bong.
5. The formulaic "boy meets girl" story, though commonly viewed as a coming of age tale, is prevalent among teenagers and preschoolers alike. Similar to comparing food to friendship, boys and girls of the toddler persuasion are equally likely to compare playmates to relationships. While we have several couples who are going steady, I have seen everything from love triangles to full on catfights over boys who couldn't even wipe their own bottoms post poo. A favorite little boy of mine happened to be looking particularly glum one day; when I asked him what was wrong, he confessed that he had been dumped. I did my best to scale down the pearls of wisdom my elders had bestowed upon me, reassuring him that I was sure she'd play with him in the sandbox tomorrow. Tears welling in his eyes, he solemnly nodded his head and as a parting sentiment, proclaimed "I don't understand girls."
Amazing how much older and wiser we claim to be, and yet somehow the simplest things are only visible through the eyes of a toddler. Though we may grow up, the same complications plague our lives, and while he may be nineteen years my junior, we still have something in common--the neverending saga of the "boy meets girl" tale.
1. A standard preschool practice for children is the grand announcement that they are going to the bathroom. They march off to the toilet, do their business, and return in a flurry of pride, energy, and excitement--the result of an empty colon. One little boy was particularly pleased to inform me that he could "wipe his butt all by himself." I can't understand why more people don't brag about that skill on their Match.com profiles.
2. Lunchtime has long been considered an opportunity to enjoy food with colleagues, but in the preschool world, it is so much more. Upon learning that another little girl or boy has the same Capri Sun as you, a loud declaration is made for the rest of the lunchtable to hear--"Now we can be friends!" Heaven forbid they both have Goldfish, or apple sauce, or strawberry kiwi flavored Gogurt (which, by the way, is completely lukewarm at this point...ice packs are a thing of the past apparently). The second item sets their companionship in stone, at least until they wear the same colored leggings--then they're soulmates.
3. The socially unacceptable practice of genitalia comparison is quite popular among the three to four year old crowd. On more than one occasion, I have unintentionally stumbled upon a pair of preschoolers giving each other anatomy lessons in the bathroom. And despite our scolding, they remain eerily aware of the one vital difference between boys and girls. Not that it deters them from going potty in front of opposite sex or asking me to me to button their pants post pee-break with a sly grin on their face.
4. While "nails on a chalkboard" is a commonly used term to symbolize loud, obnoxious noises, it seems that preschoolers have perfected the art of hitting the kind of pitch akin to a dog whistle. Whether it be a Lincoln log dragged slowly across a table or a dry marker scratched rapidly on paper, these sounds result in instantaneous reactions from teachers to their delight. These outbursts are merely symbolic of the pubescent hell in years to come when these adorable rascals hit high school and a Lincoln log turns into a bong.
5. The formulaic "boy meets girl" story, though commonly viewed as a coming of age tale, is prevalent among teenagers and preschoolers alike. Similar to comparing food to friendship, boys and girls of the toddler persuasion are equally likely to compare playmates to relationships. While we have several couples who are going steady, I have seen everything from love triangles to full on catfights over boys who couldn't even wipe their own bottoms post poo. A favorite little boy of mine happened to be looking particularly glum one day; when I asked him what was wrong, he confessed that he had been dumped. I did my best to scale down the pearls of wisdom my elders had bestowed upon me, reassuring him that I was sure she'd play with him in the sandbox tomorrow. Tears welling in his eyes, he solemnly nodded his head and as a parting sentiment, proclaimed "I don't understand girls."
Amazing how much older and wiser we claim to be, and yet somehow the simplest things are only visible through the eyes of a toddler. Though we may grow up, the same complications plague our lives, and while he may be nineteen years my junior, we still have something in common--the neverending saga of the "boy meets girl" tale.
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