"We need to make books cool again." --John Waters

It has recently occurred to me that by the time I get around to procreating, there's a good chance that my children won't own books anymore. Not to say they won't read; anyone who knows me knows that my offspring will be spoonfed Tolkien and Rumi from the womb. The way the publishing industry is heading, however, makes me seriously concerned that the era of printed books is coming to an end. While there's no denying the convenience of an e-reader (or whatever the hell you call it, I googled to no avail), there is something that strikes me as inherently wrong in replacing print with a flat, lifeless computer screen. I guess in the end you can take my newspapers, you can take my libraries, but you can never take my books (*to be read out loud in a William Wallace voice*).

5 Reasons Why Books Are Still the Best (and you can take your Kindle, Nook, etc, and suck it)

1. The smell--Follow these simple step by step instructions to drink in the absolute pleasure that is the musty book smell. 1) Head to your nearest library 2) Enter said library and proceed to a section that is most likely to be deserted (I'm a fan of the 1920's historical fiction section, which may or may not be a section I have entirely fabricated) 3) Ensure the aisle you have selected is uninhabited, as you don't want people thinking you're a book perv 4) Select a book at random, preferably one with an unlaminated cover and a partially deteriorated spine 5) Upon opening, double check that its front jacket is still emblazoned with an aged check out card. This ensures that the book is from the appropriate era for the desired smell effect. 6) Open to the very middle of the book, insert your nose to spine depth, and inhale. Smells like history doesn't it? Last time I checked, my Ipad didn't have an app for that.
2. Sex appeal--Is it just me or does a man with a full library ooze sexiness? I'm talking multiple shelves, stacked to the brims, books on books on books kind of library. Throw in a plaid shirt and we have ourselves a winner ladies and gentlemen. I've determined recently that aside from being an SC fan, not being a reader is a deal breaker for me. It's books or bupkis basically. Get your ass to a Barnes and Noble.
3. Easier dramatic quote pagination--As a relic of the era when kids still carried books to class, it has been a struggle for me to transition to the usage of online textbooks. How will I take notes? How will I easily flip to the page I need during the Internet exam ensuring that I get the correct answer? (as if you actually thought students absorbed and retained anything they learn in an online class). Whether it be for class or for impressing the ladies at the bar by quoting Shakespeare, nothing beats an old underlined and earmarked copy of Romeo and Juliet.
4. A sense of permanence--I'd be lying if I said a major reason for my obsessive documentation of life wasn't self preservation. Luckily I'm not the only one out there who feels the same; literary greats from Fitzgerald to Hemmingway often integrated loved ones and real life experiences into their work. While blogging has taken the place of the good ole key locked diary from the sixties, there is something to be said for having a hand written account of your college years at your disposal. Except that doesn't smell like history, it smells like beer and bad decisions.
 5. You're killing the written word dammit. No explanation required. Buy more books. Period.

Australia, A Love Story

You know the exact moment you fell in love with Oz and Oz knew it too, for it was at that moment that the world seemed a bit brighter, the sky a bit bluer, and the sun just a bit warmer. Facing all manner of embarrassment, you waded with your Uni friends into the water, knowing what was coming. A lost bet, you think, but honestly, you’d probably do it with or without the pride at stake. It’s all about the experience, you tell yourself. Knowing full well that there is a beach full of locals and tourists only a short distance away, you slowly untie the strings of your bikini and let it fall away. Your friends cheer and hoot and scream, drawing the attention of a few beach patrons, but not long enough to incur the intended blush and cover that was expected from the dare. Instead, you bob weightless in the waves and submerge your ears underwater, watching the scene around you naked and noiseless. A rocky cliffside dotted in underbrush hides the narrow path you took to get to this isolated strip of sand and sea. Your group’s beach towels dot the shoreline in colorful rivets. The muted sounds of laughter mix seamlessly with the ebb and flow of waves upon the shore. Concealed only by the tepid North Queensland waters, you feel yourself let go and it’s as if a part of your heart falls off and latches itself to the seabed below. This is the moment where you know there is no going back. You belong to a sunburnt country.

From Bali, With Love

There is no way I can really describe stepping out of the airplane and into the Balinese sun. A blast of warm air hit me in the face like I was opening an oven door and a thousand different sights and smells flooded my senses. The onrush of brown faced men and women smiling and wordlessly trying to carry my bag. A cacophonous melody of languages blending into one vibrant buzz of excitement. Twenty five American dollars later and I am granted my Indonesian visa, a temporary thread in this quilt of culture. From the airport at Denpasar we took a van to Seminyak, our driver flawlessly navigating the haphazard motorbike drivers by the dozen. The streets are littered with trash and stray dogs, with two lone cows set to pasture among them. The Kembali villas seem like a different world compared to the squalor of the streets. Stepping stones set above water lead the way into the open air kitchen and living room. A plush red lounge faces the green-blue glow of the pool. White curtains sway in the breeze covering glass doors to the bedrooms. An outdoor shower and toilet invite you to take your normally private business into the open. From my bed, I see skinny palm trees eerily lit from below, while the frangipani tree deposits small white blossoms about the yard. I take a sip from an ice cold Bintang beer and press the bottle against my neck, letting its condensation drip and settle onto the gentle curve of my collarbone. Cleverly placed candles cast an ethereal glow over the still surface of the water. Heat lightning pops and cracks in the distance like the flashbulb of a camera. The scent of incense and mosquito coils burns and fills my nostrils as I breathe the night air fully. The villa is noiseless and still, save for the sound of running water trickling down the entryway. I welcome the quiet and the solitude after a long day spent baking under the sun. Here, I feel more content than I have in some time. I am happy to be by myself, not seeking meaningless distraction to combat the loneliness. On the contrary, I quite enjoy it. I've come to learn something after my first month here--I would much rather be alone than in the company of someone I don't thoroughly enjoy. I don't need a space filler; I need a champion. But as long as I'm surrounded by the hot Bali air for another week, I don't need a damn thing...well, maybe another beer.

"True goodbyes are the ones never said or explained"

Well hello blog. It's been a while.

As most of you know, I'm preparing to move to Australia for a year to work as an au pair with a family in Brisbane. As a result, people have been calling me left and right begging for one last chance to bask in the glory of my presence. I'm fairly certain that everyone has experienced both happy and sad goodbyes in their lifetime, but being a seasoned world traveler such as myself, I have become an expert on the best and worst ways to bid adieu to my loved ones.

Top 5 Classic Ways to Say Goodbye

5. The Random Goodbye- When getting ready to leave for an extended period of time, it's only natural to make a prioritized list of the people you absolutely must see before you go. Generally these people are already aware of the fact that you are about to move across the world for 9 months as they are presumably close to you (or at least Facebook friends with you...I hope...). However, there are those people who are completely out of the loop about your imminent departure, and therefore unintentionally throw themselves onto the list of people who cannot survive another day without seeing before you go. This makes the goodbye slightly awkward in nature; for example, when said dinner, lunch, or playdate comes to an end and they suggest that you "Do it again sometime soon," your response is--"Well actually, I'm moving away forever, so we can't do it again anytime in the near future...but I had a great time!" I've found it's best to make a speedy exit afterward and leave them wondering if they heard you correctly.
4. The Movie Goodbye- An integral part of any tragic romance is the climactic farewell scene between two lovers. Parting words range from “I’ll never let go Jack” to “Here’s looking at you kid.” You should be well versed in any and all movie goodbyes, lest someone try to pass off cinematic genius as their own. For example, if you were to ask a friend how best to keep in touch with them while you’re gone and they respond, “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn,” you should either A) run away in tears or B) embrace your inner Southern belle and respond, “After all, tomorrow is another day.” And then embrace your friend for being as big of a movie geek as you are.
3. The Dramatic Goodbye- Most common among close friends, parents, and ex/current boyfriends, this is the kind of goodbye that should come equipped with a box of Kleenex and a cocktail. The cocktail to steel your nerves and actually get on the plane after such an emotional farewell, and the Kleenex for when you spill your drink after being chased by airport security for attempting to bring an 8 oz. plus container of liquid on a plane. Naturally.
2. The Drunken Goodbye- What better way to send off a dear friend than to buy her a drink for every year you two have been pals? I feel a solid night of binge drinking is in order anytime someone leaves the country; not only does it make for good wholesome entertainment, but there’s something to be said for the intoxicated farewell. Feelings you never knew another person harbored suddenly come gushing out as the alcohol flows and by the end of the night, everyone has mended old wounds and rekindled friendships. That is until the hangover sets in and the photos wind up online, but with any luck, you’ll be thousands of miles away by then.
1. The Unspoken Goodbye- What's worse: boarding an airplane to a foreign country for 9 months in a fit of tears after saying everything or maintaining some semblance of control over your emotions and saying nothing? I can tell you this much, one involves a lot more dwelling and over-analyzing than the other...you be the judge.

"A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous" --Ingrid Bergman

In honor of the upcoming holiday (Singles Awareness Day...har har har), an homage to one of the most written about signs of affection--the kiss.

The Top 5 Best Kinds of Kisses (or at the very least, my own top 5)

5. The First Kiss- No matter what the circumstance, any girl today could tell you the who, what, when, and where of her first kiss. Heart pounding, throat tightening, butterflies in the stomach; all of these feelings can be summed up in the final moments before the first time your lips touch with someone new. Maybe it's excitement, maybe it's hormones, but whatever the case, The First Kiss remains rooted in the top 5.
4. The Nose Kiss- There are probably hundreds, no, thousands of places on a girl's body to kiss that ignite a veritable fireworks display of giddiness, but for me, it's the tip of my nose. Just a simple little peck and boom, I'm a goner. There's probably no quicker way to make me smile, unless you crack a Helen Keller joke.
3. The Intimate Kiss- There's something to be said for the kinds of long, drawn out kisses that fall under the Intimate Kiss category. Boyfriend or not, these are the kinds of makeout sessions that become burned into our memories, and ususally signify the start of something new.
2. The Surprise Kiss- This is a simple combination of two things most girls love--kissing and surprises. What woman doesn't want to be kissed Gone With The Wind style by a dashing Southern gentleman? If she's saying no, it probably means yes, yes, oh yes. Unless she says it several times and attempts to push you off of her. Then you should listen lest you wind up in jail.
1. The Reunion Kiss- Boys. Rent "The Notebook." Follow these simple instructions to execute the perfect Reunion Kiss.
One- Spot girl from across a sizeable amount of distance i.e. large grassy field, airport arrival gate, etc.
Two- Run/jog 20% to her 80%, as she has shorter legs and will take longer to reach you.
Three- Bend knees slightly and open your arms. Ready your body for impact.
Four- Wrap your arms around her and lift.
Five- Commence awesomely public makeout session of joy.

You can thank me later for these tips.

"Why didn't they have mobile phones in the 1920s? Think how many misunderstandings in the world could have been avoided." --Sophie Kinsella

Hate to disagree with you Soph, but I think we could learn a lot by taking a hint from our ancestors and giving our thumbs a rest.

5 Reasons Why Text Messaging is Pointless, Irritating, and Utterly Reprehensible

1. The Mass Text- Back when email was the new and hip form of communication, there was nothing I dreaded more than a sickeningly sweet chain letter. Ranging from Bible verses to animated farm animals, these messages were intended to brighten your day, lift your spirits, and put a smile on your face...until you read the subtext at the bottom, which stated that if you didn't forward said message to every damn person in your Address Book, your grandma would drop dead and you would be cursed with syphilis. While The Mass Text doesn't come with the aforementioned threat at the end, it's still just as annoying, if not moreso. Every holiday I dread the flood of messages to my inbox, wishing me "Merry Christmas! xOxO!" from people I haven't talked to since middle school. Next I'm faced with the stress of choosing to respond or not, (as you will learn below, my biggest pet peeve is The Unreturned Text), and if I respond, what I should say. Surely a simple, "Thanks!" should suffice, but sometimes this opens up the floodgates of communication, followed by the obligatory, "We should catch up sometime!" text that I now feel guilted into seeing someone I really have no interest or desire to see much less converse with in person. In summation, I hate your mass text. Stop sending them to me.
2. The Booty Text- Any living, breathing member of the undergrad category has both sent and received The Booty Text. Whether drunk or sober, we are human, and sometimes our needs must be met. However, The Booty Text lacks all the romance and mystery that has fueled some of the greatest love stories of all time. What if the ending of Casablanca was not summed up in the words, "Here's lookin' at you kid," but "Hey Ilsa, gr8 2 c u, whut r u doin l8r?" Pick up the phone and call me dammit; I'll be more likely to respond to that and not a message asking me to watch a movie at 3 am. I'm not retarded.
3. The Mass Booty Text- One of the most inexcusable offenses in the world of texting is receiving a message, exchanging in flirtatious banter, then realizing the other person has no idea who they're talking to. If this sounds familiar, you have been a victim of The Mass Booty Text. I'm pretty sure the concept was invented by guys, because I like to think we females are slightly more selective in who we slut around with, but it's fairly simple--send an innocuous "What's up?" text to every girl in your phone and see who responds. From there, you can pick and choose which ones to pursue, even multitasking lest one girl falls asleep, flakes out, or God forbid, has her period. Just one more reason why anytime I receive what I suspect to be a Mass Booty Text, my textbook response is, "Just finished delousing my pubic hair, you?"
4. The Guilt Text- Everyone has those certain friends who seem to be drawn to drama like frat boys to beer. A shitty day at work, relationship woes, swine flu--you name it, they got it. And just as quickly as they are to piss and moan via paragraphs upon paragraphs of cell phone diarrhea, they expect an even faster response from you in the form of the dreaded Guilt Text. Nothing goads me more than a sympathy digger; not only do I have to pretend to feel sorry for you, but I have to sell it, because just like sympathy diggers are wise to the well practiced game of bullshit, they can smell it just as easily. Easily the fastest way to piss off a writer is to demand bullshit on command--we may dish it out, but that doesn't mean we like it, and that doesn't make it an acceptable text message practice.
And the worst of all...
5. The Unreturned Text- Day or night, rain or shine, my cell phone is always within an earshot. I could be sleeping, going to the bathroom, or performing open heart surgery--if I receive a text, I am well aware of the fact. That's why The Unreturned Text is Numero Uno on my short list of Things I Cannot Stand. I understand the various reasons for not responding to a message in a moment's notice; life exists outside of a cell phone, and most certainly out of a few lines of written text. However, after 24 hours have elapsed, a girl could start to think something has gone wrong. Maybe you've been kidnapped by terrorists and I should alert the Department of Homeland Security. Maybe you've fallen into a well and I need to fetch Lassie lest you get eaten by Samara. At any rate, not responding to a text message says several things, the most important being that I was not important enough to respond to.

So here is what I'm going to do. I am going to take my own advice and give my thumbs a rest. As for the rest of you, well...you know my number. Call it.

5 Signs that Preschoolers Know More About Life than We Do

As a teacher aide, I am privy to some of the most witty yet insightful comedy in the South Bay. Sure, they may be three years old, but they know what's up.

1. A standard preschool practice for children is the grand announcement that they are going to the bathroom. They march off to the toilet, do their business, and return in a flurry of pride, energy, and excitement--the result of an empty colon. One little boy was particularly pleased to inform me that he could "wipe his butt all by himself." I can't understand why more people don't brag about that skill on their Match.com profiles.
2. Lunchtime has long been considered an opportunity to enjoy food with colleagues, but in the preschool world, it is so much more. Upon learning that another little girl or boy has the same Capri Sun as you, a loud declaration is made for the rest of the lunchtable to hear--"Now we can be friends!" Heaven forbid they both have Goldfish, or apple sauce, or strawberry kiwi flavored Gogurt (which, by the way, is completely lukewarm at this point...ice packs are a thing of the past apparently). The second item sets their companionship in stone, at least until they wear the same colored leggings--then they're soulmates.
3. The socially unacceptable practice of genitalia comparison is quite popular among the three to four year old crowd. On more than one occasion, I have unintentionally stumbled upon a pair of preschoolers giving each other anatomy lessons in the bathroom. And despite our scolding, they remain eerily aware of the one vital difference between boys and girls. Not that it deters them from going potty in front of opposite sex or asking me to me to button their pants post pee-break with a sly grin on their face.
4. While "nails on a chalkboard" is a commonly used term to symbolize loud, obnoxious noises, it seems that preschoolers have perfected the art of hitting the kind of pitch akin to a dog whistle. Whether it be a Lincoln log dragged slowly across a table or a dry marker scratched rapidly on paper, these sounds result in instantaneous reactions from teachers to their delight. These outbursts are merely symbolic of the pubescent hell in years to come when these adorable rascals hit high school and a Lincoln log turns into a bong.
5. The formulaic "boy meets girl" story, though commonly viewed as a coming of age tale, is prevalent among teenagers and preschoolers alike. Similar to comparing food to friendship, boys and girls of the toddler persuasion are equally likely to compare playmates to relationships. While we have several couples who are going steady, I have seen everything from love triangles to full on catfights over boys who couldn't even wipe their own bottoms post poo. A favorite little boy of mine happened to be looking particularly glum one day; when I asked him what was wrong, he confessed that he had been dumped. I did my best to scale down the pearls of wisdom my elders had bestowed upon me, reassuring him that I was sure she'd play with him in the sandbox tomorrow. Tears welling in his eyes, he solemnly nodded his head and as a parting sentiment, proclaimed "I don't understand girls."

Amazing how much older and wiser we claim to be, and yet somehow the simplest things are only visible through the eyes of a toddler. Though we may grow up, the same complications plague our lives, and while he may be nineteen years my junior, we still have something in common--the neverending saga of the "boy meets girl" tale.